Girls with Bollocks*

It takes bollocks to be alone. It takes big bollocks to get out of an unhappy marriage and to change your status from be “married” to being “divorced”, to go from being a “wife” to being a “single woman”, to reverting to your Maiden name. It’s a partial identify change. It takes bollocks to initiate, instigate and insist on it happening. It takes bollocks to drive a divorce, and to keep focus on the desired outcome through all the tittle-tattle to and fro-ing negotiating and incrimination that the process can produce. It takes bollocks to grow thicker skin. It takes bollocks to believe that there can be happiness after unhappiness, and that you are worth it, that it is worth the effort and heartache and every bit of the fight is worth it. It can be tiresome, it is tiresome, and you have to remember that all thought you won’t win every battle, you’ll get to the goal of being out, being free. It’s worth remembering that fairness and even generosity pays dividends with your mental health.

Once again, you will be alone, and although surrounded by friends, sometimes the feeling of loneliness creeps under the door and clings like a cloud of doom. Sometimes I have found myself asking: was the fight for independence what I really needed and wanted?

There is hope. The hope that girly bollocks don’t tarnish me or damage me or create a veneer of male mistrust and a need for distance. Self preservation, yes, I still want to be me, and I want to be a happy me. My girly bollocks are really about me knowing myself better, and knowing what is right and wrong, and knowing that I have the courage to do something about it. As someone famous once said, I am “not a cork floating on the sea of fate”, and am the master, or mistress, of my fate.

My new bollocks, which have got me to this freeness, have also given me wings, and a voice that makes me want to stand up for myself and the wider cancer community. I have been in correspondence with the Prime Minister, my MP, I have been lobbying, and trying to raise awareness of the realities of having brain cancer. My bollocks make me want to make things better, to help others better understand. Some deep thinking Buddist once said “Look outside and dream, and look inside and awaken.” I think they were talking about bollocks. I think I am waking up with girly bollocks.

*this has nothing to do with transgender stuff.

Written on the train 08/01/12

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